Recovering...

Hello all-
I want to start out with a BIG Thank You for the meals, cards, books to read, the visits and most of all the prayers! You all were a definite God send. I went to both my surgeons in the last 2 days and have been deemed okay to go out and be by people and try to get back to normal, well of what I can. I have to say my range of motion is getting better by the day. I can now wash my own hair and pull down my pants:) still cant shave my arm pits, but hey its winter-who doesn't need some extra warmth in there! I have to say the 1st 3 weeks were a shock to me-especially the 1st 2 weeks I couldn't get out of bed except bathroom and baths.  I was not aware of the extreme discomfort, pain, and blah ness. I wish I would have know that going into this-but I guess every women is different. I am and I think will always be that 1 in a million person. I had adverse reactions to almost all meds they put me on, so it was hard to get rid of infections and pain. I got a secondary infection on day 12 post up, just 2 days after I finished my 1st antibiotic and suffered from a hematoma that I had to go in and get aspirated, and saving tissue when its black is a round the clock job-but Mike and I prayed all the time about it(I did not want another 4/5 hour surgery) and God answered our prayers and the tissue has healed with the soaps, meds, creams, etc... and is now pink:) It is my new favorite color!!!!
I have to say that out of all of this that Mike and I went threw, I look at Mike in a new way. In a better way. In a life changing way. He was amazing! He walked me to the bathroom 6 -8 times a night to pull down my pants, he bathed me, shaved me, milked my drains, drained my drains, kept my meds on track, got me food and water every time I asked, took off work for a week around the clock took care of me and all 4 kiddos. Did laundry even( the kids just started wearing there clothes numerous days in a row-Mike found bleach and loved to use it-poor kiddos) For the first time I seen what our vows meant threw better and for worst, for sickness and for health. I could never imagine going threw this with anyone else.  He was truly amazing!
When I went to the doctor Tuesday and Wednesday they both couldn't believe how well I turned out after all the complications. It was a long, long, long 3 weeks!!! Worst then I could have ever imagine! There was good days, bad days, and crawl in a ball and want to die days. I am mourning I thought pretty well about losing my self as a women and as a mother never to breast feed again, until I started going threw my baby stuff to get rid of today and found my udder cover and cried for hours. So I think if I don't think about it, I do okay. I don't think that's a healthy way of dealing, but that's what I got right now. I cant face reality-it hurts too bad yet! A lot of women has asked me if I was doing reconstruction and yes I am-its a slow go for me with all the set backs, but I do plan on it. I think if I was in my 60's or older I wouldn't worry about it, but as a young 32:) I choose to go ahead and do it for myself. I know other people have there opinions and views, but for me as a women I wanted to do it-I don't know if every day I could wake up, look at my massive scars and think I'm beautiful just the way I am. That's just me though.  I have 2 scars/incisions that are about 3-4 inches long and then the 2nd surgery they'll be about the same in different spots, so Ill be scar for life. I've gotten asked about that too so I just want to try to answer all questions I've gotten asked. I am still waiting for my results on my tissue to come back- no word yet. But I do have to say my 1st night home I had a vivid real life what was going on right now that there was breast cancer in the right breast where my radial scar was. I woke up Mike and told him I felt God was telling me I made the right choice-it was there! My dream gave me some relief actually in a weird way to know I didn't go threw all this for nothing. Not that I didn't do it for nothing I mean 150%-200% increase chance for getting breast cancer is huge. I don't want to play that down, I'm just saying the dream was at the right time! I am excited that I will be around hopefully God willing longer to be here on this Earth to enjoy life, and my kiddos.
 I cant wait for the day to sleep on my sides. This back sleeping is for the birds. No one told me that either. I'm still tired a lot and if I do something for an hour or so or go get groceries I'm done for the day. I've been driving for about a week now successfully. I tried to drive December 26th and not a good idea-made it to 2 stores and I couldn't turn to see if there were cars behind me or on the side of me, so I gave it another week and it was much better. So if I cut you off-sorry!!!
It is very interesting to me how many women have had mastectomies. I have to share the night before surgery Brody and I went on a date and went to the mall-I thought man I better get button up pajamas tonight(you cant do pull over shirts for well I still cant do it without struggle and someone to help) so I went to Victoria Secret while Brody went to Dunham's of course and picked out 2 pairs of pjs and got to talking to the sales lady there-a young women-probably the same age or younger then me and shared with her I couldn't buy the pjs she was showing me because I was going for a double mastectomy the next day. She just looked at me in silence for a few minutes-during which Brody walked in and she shared with us that she had a mastectomy 2 years ago(has the same doctor I have) and needs to have the other one off. 2 young kids also and just shared with me her story. We teared up together-well I cried. She gave me her employee discount-which was amazing! Brody and I left there and talked about it all the way home-God puts the right people at the right place at the right time. Its the little things in life that we do, think, say that make all the difference in others lives! I went back there this weekend and she must had shared my story because the staff was coming up to me and asking me how I was doing, that there all thinking and praying for me. They were so sweet!!! Its people like that that make this whole life changing process a little better. They for sure have my business!!! I also went to Home and Company this weekend to return a gift and there is an ornament there with hope, life, love with a breast cancer ribbon on it-60% off and I asked the women behind the counter about it going on more of a discount-(hey I'm Dutch!!!!) She didn't know, but she shared with me she had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation and her journey threw breast cancer. It is amazing to me how many women go threw this and don't talk about it. I just don't understand why. Well I didn't get the ornament even though I so badly wanted it- I guess to remind me that this Christmas there was ALOT to be thankful for and to remind me every Christmas what we went through as a family. I might have to go back and see if it gets cheaper:) I do wonder though-women go threw this, so why do they not talk about it. I firmly believe that God allows you to go threw trials to make you a better person, value life, and to help others. Its the trials that makes you ultimately who you are. God just tests us and wants us to get closer and have a better relationship with him. And they do. I've prayed a lot in the last year and now I find myself talking to him all the time, all day long. I did not do that more then a year ago. It was only when I need things-like to get threw school, or when my kids were sick, or when it seemed to benefit me. God had a plan for me long ago to go threw this and to bring me closer to him and it did! It Is amazing-truly! He talks to me, he tells me who to pray for, what to do for who, its so cool! I think its always been there, I just didn't listen or pay attention. He lived with me, now he lives in me! God is so great!
I am now on every 2 week visits to 1 doctor and every 3 weeks to the other, so hopefully everything continues to go great-Lord willing! I will still be slow to go and tire easy, but I've gotten threw the worst of it and will continue to heal and get better. So thank you from my heart for everything! Going threw something so major shows you who is there for you threw the thick and thin. There are some really amazing people in my life!!! Thank You!

Post Op Appt

Well I am home and doing nothing, well sleeping, watching the Hallmark channel and reading books and trying to heal! About 23.75 out of 24 hours. I have ok days and terrible days. I got a bath in so that was an accomplishment, but just that wore me out-I have zero energy!!! I went to my post op appt and I got my drains out-which hurt and burned! But kind of nice not to be hauling(well laying) around 2 big grenade things and milking tubes, measuring outputs, etc...Were trying to find a pain pill that wont make me delusional, dizzy, and all that junk feeling. Its been a long week trying to find a great pain pill. Hope the script she gave me today works. I cant get my pain under control and she said that's what's slowing my healing is I'm in so much pain. I also have some blackening so we will have to keep an eye on it and she prescribed cream to try to save the skin. So not a great appt, but not terrible. I looked at me self in the mirror today and feeling discouraged and sad. It is not me and I definitely am not past the mourning stage. Wednesday when we got to the hospital I cried the 3 hours I was waiting for surgery and was balling as they put me under. I kept asking Mike-take me home I don't want to do this. He doesn't listen well. My doctor prayed with us- She told me I don't lock the doors you can choose not to have the surgery,  I know short term that would be the right thing to do, but not the long term-waiting for cancer! I still feel like I should and then I shouldn't. When I looked in the mirror today, it was definitely, I shouldn't have. I had a wonderful women that had this done 12 years ago call me this morning and shared with me that there will be pity party days and some days where you think how awesome I don't ever have to worry about breast cancer. I totally agree with her, I felt like she gave me permission to pity and mourn and rejoice. And I think I needed that today. God sends just the right people when we need them.
I want to send a huge thank you for the meals we received, it is just 1 less thing Mike has to worry about and do. Right now Mike is constantly busy taking care of me and our 4 kiddos. He is doing a fantastic job though! Couldn't have asked for a better care giver!
So please keep praying for healing and pain control. I would absolutely love and appreciate it!
Thank you to all that are still are praying for us. It helped me so much with my anxiety and worry before surgery. SO a HUGE THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!

4 days to surgery....

So.... I debated on even writing about my upcoming surgery and I feel that there are few women that have radial scar's and most of them don't know about other women who have them, so I wanted to give hope or someone that is going threw the process of diagnosis feelings and thoughts of someone that has gone threw it. I want to start out as this has been a long year. They found my radial scar last November, so there has been a lot of thought, prayer, self examining, a lot of emotions, tears, and why me's???? There has been times where I have just lived like a hermit and stayed in my PJ's for 5 days at a time and cried out to God! I am now 4 days to surgery and nervous, scared, I even showed Mike last night if I don't make it here's the presents-there all wrapped and ready to go. I am not an optimistic when it comes to medical stuff, maybe because I was at Spectrum for 2 years and seen every worse case scenario that could happen. I think I believe it wont go good. That's my worry, and what I will look like, the pain, the recovery, and I know it sounds weird, but I'm only 32, I don't know if I am done having kids and I am one of those women who LOVE to breastfeed and in a way, no actually very mourning that I will never do that again and it breaks my heart! That is the major reason I didn't want to have a double mastectomy for that fact alone! Mike keeps reminding me that he wants me to be here to watch the kids grow old instead of breastfeeding other kiddos-that's what's formulas for. I understand what he's saying, I was lucky to start having kids so young and have enjoyed breastfeeding 4 beautiful babies, but the thought of never doing it again brings tears to my eyes and I mourn the loss of being able to be whole! And who says I'm having more kids-probably not, but to think I cant do something is just not in my vocab. I want something I go get it. That's how I am wired! I heard in my small group a while back that- Women are made in the image of Jesus-close to perfection-Mike laughed when I told him that when he was getting mad at me for redoing something over and over:) I said I'm just trying to be more like Jesus!!!
 There has been a lot of prep to do in the last month for Christmas and 4 kids for me to do nothing for 2-4 weeks. If you know me I am a perfectionist OCD freak! I collect the dust before it falls-my grandma would say a good Dutch women:) I fret over the little stuff- thinking oh my word how will 4 boys/men clean there clothes-they don't know how to run the washer at all! My toilet will be a disaster in 24 hours-guaranteed!!!!!! I know its the little things, but that's me-every detail must be done right and at an exact time and be perfect! So you can see where my worry is when Ill be lying in a bed for 2 weeks not able to lift ANYTHING!
This decision did not come easy. I thought why am I having the healthy breast cut off, why not the bad one? Why am I doing this at all? Who knows what time will tell and if I will get Breast Cancer or, or, or..... You can drive yourself crazy with all the questions, why, when, what ,if ,or, etc.. I have. This has been on my mind for a year-it has consumed my every thought, action, life! I make my own deodorant, face cream, organic, gluten free, ask my kids-don't use that cancer stick(deodorant). Advocate-we need to do it for our families! So I researched what I have and only 0.04% women have these radial scars. 6 out of 15,000 women have them. Very rare in any women under 40 years old. They increase your chances of breast cancer 150-200% greater then the average women. That's huge-how can I ignore something that was in my body that is so rare and just sit back and wait for something to happen? I am a worry wart. My doctor-whom I love dearly has told me, if I don't have the mastectomy its an MRI every 6 months and a breast biopsy every 1-3 years for the REST OF MY LIFE!!! That's a long, long time and I feel a lot of worry. Every 6 months for the rest of my life I have to wait for the dreaded results-did they come back clean? Are they bad-since I generally think the worst anyway? I don't know if I could do that my whole life-Its like Id be waiting for Cancer to come. Is that a lump I feel, I feel tired, I wonder what's wrong with me? I think it would be a terrible way to live! The radial scars are so rare- no one really knows what the right answer is, that's why they do so much follow up. I can tell you if your in your early 30's and your tissue is already changing its probably not a good sign. I have read a few blogs about women who have had these taken out and been done with it. I don't think I am one of those women. I don't want in 5 or even 10 years year's down the road have breast cancer when they knew I was at an increased risk. And go threw what these women endure-chemo, radiation, I've seen a few of my friends go threw it and I don't want to mess with it. Bless there hearts-truly! You are brave strong women! If someone would have told you 10 years ago or even 20 years ago you would have breast cancer would have had them taken off? I think of my aunt who passed away 3 years ago-bless her heart Aunt Deb I miss you tons-I was talking to my Uncle Dave last week on the phone about it, If she would have been told in her 30's she'd have cancer would she have done something about it- and the answer is always YES! So I have to keep telling myself this-it is for the best. It doesn't take away the mourning, or the pain, worry, anxieties, or that my family might starve and live in a dirty house for a while, but I made a choice-I love my 4 kiddos so very much and I want to see them grow into adults and see my grand babies. I made my choice of because I know who I am: the worry wart, the fear driven women, the women that loves life, loves my kiddos, loves the man that can see past a women with no breasts, the women that God made me to be-ME!

Update...

Well I have to begin by saying the last 6 weeks have been very very hard emotionally for us in our house. And  we could not have gotten threw this with out everyones prayers. We are so ever thankful for each one, for we know God heard them. I feel so blessed to have a great church family and community and my friends that delivered meals after surgery, a pie, cards, and the visits and most of all your prayers. I believe God has us all go through things in life to change us, to make us stronger. I believe in weak times he makes us strong and gets us threw-to lean on him. I have to say there was days that I just cried and was so sad and freightened not knowing the future or outcome and days where I rejoiced because I know I am in Gods arms and his plan. A mix of emotions for sure.  One of my favorite verses And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. See I went threw this because God as a purpose for me-I just cant wait to find out what... I also discovered during this journey the amazing things that we put in our bodys make a huge impact. The foods, the pills, our lotions, shampoos-everything. Its amazing what they do to our bodies- and not for the good. My poor family is enduring our new lifestyle-with many complaints, but hey we will be healthier in the end. My life has forever been changed and awakened by this experience. But for the best. So with thanksgiving we will rejoice that they got all the bad tissue and all pathology reports came back good!!! We all danced when we got the call and celebrated last night! I am still sore, bruised and swollen but managed to get out of the house today(to get grocerys-these snow days with 4 boys are killing my cupboards)and am not sure that was a smart thing since it made me more sore, but hey I need a reason to shower-right? I go for my post op appt tomorrow morning, so hoping for good things there. I seriously could not have gone threw this and with such great news with out you and your prayers to our almighty and wonderful God. We all have been singing- our God is so great- so big and so mighty theres nothing our God can not do- with you!  And man are those words true.. So any updates that come up I will post and will keep you in the loop, but again and cant say it enough THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all the prayers and support! We love you all and are so grateful and thankful God put you in our lives!!!!

Surgery date set

So I will be having surgery on Thursday in the afternoon. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers Thursday and the few days after. We will post the results when we know. Thank you for the support already given. It's so great to know we have all of you praying, it gives us great comfort. The last few days have been very rough and emotional. For the unknown is not easy for me. Please also pray for my recovery. When I had the biopsy the 26th, it still hurts, getting better, but sore yet. So fast recovery to take care of the 6 of us would be so appreciated. Thank you all for everything. We are so blessed that God gave us a great church family and community to live in and be supported by and prayed for. We love you all and a big thanks to all!!!

Update from todays Dr. Appt

I want to start out and thank you all for your emails, prayers, and support. You all are like a huge family and my support team. I thank God for each one of you and your love.
We meet with Dr. today. I really do love her, shes so gentle and caring. We found out I have a radial scar/star. People usually over 60 get them. 6 out of every 15,000 people are diagnosed with them. 15% are cancer and as Mike says and Dr. Hoberman 85% are not. Which I even told her and most of you that know my health history is that unfortunatley I am always that 1 in a million literaly. With my pregnancys with this weird tumor bone disease, Literally its always me-bad genes I guess. You can tell probably that Im so optimistic. Not really! So please pray for me in that area of being positive through this and that Gods will will be done. So we are waiting for the surgery dept to call for our surgery date for a lumpectomy-hopefully sooner then later. So we can find out and start sleeping at night. And we will go from there on the results. We should hear in about 24-48 hours for the results to come in after surgery. So I will keep you all posted. I want to say again thanks so much for the support and please keep up the prayers.
Love you all!

Disappointing News on the home front

It all started a while ago when I was doing my breast exam and found 2 lumps. Called my doctor and got refered to a breast doctor, Dr. Hoberman. She was fantastic when I met her and the first time I met her, her and her nurse prayed for me-so sweet!!! Anyways they couldnt do a MRI because I was pregnant so I went in every trimester to check on the lumps. Delivered Melina and had a mammogram when Melina was 3 weeks old-they found the dense spot and would like an MRI, but you cant do one until your done breast feeding for 3 months. We talked about pros and cons and I decided to continue to nurse Melina. Well I stopped in September and MRI was schedueled for Dec. We had it done at Holland hospital and the Dr. said 48-72 hours for results. Unfortunatley the phone rang not even 24 hours later and said we have some bad news we found one lump that doesnt look good. Were sending you to Betty Ford Wednesday the 26th for a biopsy. We were there all day between ultrasounds, MRI's, mammograms and Biopsys. Told the same thing 48-72 hours the doctor should call. Well the next day they called- have some not so good news they said. The doctor just signed off on the report and sent it to Dr. Hoberman. It needs to come out. All of the biopsys came back not good and Dr. Hoberman will be calling you soon. Well her office did call and we meet with her Tuesday. Day to day right now its touchy-one hour were fine the next we all cry together. Both sides of my family have dealt or passed away from breast cancer so right now were just a little scared. We wonder obviously Im having a lumpectomy, but how much will they take since all the biopsy's came back bad? Mastectomy? Chemo? Radiation? Our minds are racing. So please be with my family and I as we deal with something that we have no control over and pray for miracles. Weve seen them with Melina so Im hoping for another one. I know God is in control, and Im glad I have faith in knowing that. I could'nt imagine going through life struggles not knowing him. So please keep us in your prayers! We love you all...And will keep you posted.

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Melina-1 year old!!!

Our little miracle is 1 year old already!!! I can not believe how fast time flys when you get no sleep. Yes she still gets up 3-5 times to nurse yet. She is a stinker but sure is cute! She is starting to talk she yells Daaaad! Mom was her first word, she can say num num and the boys from playing Life yesterday taught her Bob, she has been saying it all the time. It did sound like she said Brody like 5 times today. She is a whooping 17 pounds and 28 inches long as of yesterday. 5 shots too:( Tiny thing-size 2 sometime s 3 diapers and most 3-6 month clothes well pants-built like her daddy. Shirts 12 month. Everyone that sees us says brody and Bailey look like me and Micah and Melina look like Mike. Her hair is still orange with streaks of blonde. I got a pony tail in 2 days ago until she pulled it out-she hates things in her hair!!!She is walking everywhere, but shes been doing that for a while-now trying to run-its so cute! 2 teeth-eats everything-fuzzys,garbage,etc...Puts EVERYTHING in her mouth. She has a temper already, she has a meltdown I think everytime we go to Meijers. She had the cutest party on Sunday, I spent 2 days making decorations, thank you pintrest. You know 1st girl, 1st birthday!!! She got her 1st pair of crocs-so cute! Sand toys,food,bath toy, 3 outfits, money, and the boys got her a ladybug pillow pet.
The boys are doing great-Brody is doing golf league again and in drivers training-YIKES!!! Im getting old.. Micah is in Tennis and guitar right now and is such a huge help with Melina. Bailey is in T ball and Tennis right now-him and Brody hang out the most-best buddies. They are all healthy and enjoying break so far-not too bored yet with everything going on-July will be less busy and I cant wait.
Now to the big news, now when I tell people that they assume we are pregnant again...So NO we are not, still working on fixing that. We bought a new old house. We sold ours in Febuary and have been renting from Mikes mom and dad and a few weeks ago we bought my grandpa and grandma Brink's original farm house. It was definately a God thing-29 offers and we got it. So demo began last week-some spots to studs,drywall, basically everything ripped out. It was the original 1960 everything. It has been alot of work,surprises, and stress! But I think in the end and I hope it will be worth it. Kitchen is almost in and bathroom-thats exciting. New plumbing and cement and windows coming soon. Roof went on last week. Have you ever seen the movie the Money Pit? I think thats my house!!! I believe we will be there for a while,its funny we sold our house to build a bigger one and then we buy one half the size of our last one. I think since we moved into the rental we have all loved somedays being so close. In our last house some would be down stairs some people on the main floor and some up stairs-I believe we have grown closer living in such close quarters. 3 boys in an office!! Ill have to post a picture-Its hewey dewey and louie. We will go where ever God wants us to go and I feel that everything happens for a reason and am excited about where hes taking us-its an adventure...
So I will try to keep this updated..I know its been a long time, so sorry! 4 kiddos has put me on overtime all the time.

4 months...... Where did it go?

Hello everyone. Can you believe it's been 4 months today that Melina was born? The past 4 months have been crazy busy. The boys were all in sports this summer- golf,tennis,soccer, and band. A lot of running around. Melina has not been a good baby. Shes getting better, but week 5-12 yikes!!! I don't know if it's colic or if it's just a female thing. She still gets up an average of 4 times a night to nurse. I've tried cereal,doesn't help. I don't know what to do for her. She goes tomorrow for her check up but I did weigh her a week and a half ago and she was just shy of 12 lbs. Small peanut,still in 0-3 and 3 month clothes. She's built like her daddy- long torso and short legs. At 2 months she was 9% for height. Hardly any hair yet, but orange so far. Her orange brother Micah loves that she has orange too. The boys are adjusting well. Brody holds her and Micah just loves her so much and prays for her and worries about her so. Bailey try a lot to help,sometimes too much! But he loves her a lot too. The first 2 months was rough for Bailey,as he was the baby for 6 years. Baby talk,we moved him to his bed-big transition but now great!!! He had the hardest time. Sunday we had Melina baptized. She smiled as the water went down her face. She did so great! What a great gift! The sermon fit perfectly with my pregnancy,speed bumps in life as Gods way of slowing you down sometimes. Amen to that. Life was way easy last year. Maybe to easy... I believe everything happens for a reason, and I needed to get back to depending on God for everything, and I think that when life gets easy you tend to feel like you don't need God. But when it's rough he's at the center, number 1. I felt so close to him when I was pregnant, it was my speed bump. I hope he doesn't allow that again..lol... We had our brother in law Alex sing, he has such an amazing voice. He sang at our wedding to. Love to hear him sing-what a gift God gave him. My family showed up almost all of it- that was amazing itself. Anyways Brodys birthday is tomorrow, he is 14!!! Hokey smokey! When did that happen. Friday was homecoming and I was at school all day getting it ready and I just kept thinking I was just here. Seriously where does the time go? It doesn't help that he has like 3 out of 5 teachers I had. Weird! And they all look the same... He is such a great kid! Loves to be himself, I love that about him,he doesn't care who likes him. I wish I was like that in high school. That's all I wanted in high school,to be cool and liked by all. I hope it lasts a long time. Great quality!!! Needs to study more though....
Micah is in 4 th grade now. Doing great. He's my book worm. Always reading,studying,trying to find out something he doesn't know already. He was devastated that Steve Jobs died last Wednesday. He wants to be him so bad. He cried himself to sleep saying I just wanted to meet him. Poor guy, just that morning he was listening to his pod cast about the iphone5. He listened to him every time he spoke. He's doing good this week. He's starting to like girls, which is fun and different, because not even Brody care about them yet. Trouble in the making. His new thing is he's saving for college. He wants to go to Calvin. Boy save your money!!!
Bailey well kindergarten is going good all green lights so far. Loves recess and plays with girls mainly. He is in a stage with yogurt and pb and j. Last week we got a call from the doctor after blood work was done that Micah and Bailey have high cholesterol. The doctor called me herself there BMI is at like 10 and normal is 19, they are both underweight. And went threw there diets and we got referred to a specialist. The doctor thinks it's heredity. Well Mike has had high high cholesterol for the last like 8 years and probably longer. It scares me that my just 6 year old has very high cholesterol and I can't do anything about it. Very scary!!! I've gotten Micah to exercise- go treadmill. He's my indoor kid, so were working on the exercise part. Poor guy! But he's doing great as long as he has his iPod. Of course..
Me well trying to survive and not be too busy, but hard. The older 2 I'm on the road with just running here there and then the younger 2 want/need time. Just a lot of different stages in this house right now. Tired as my baby is seriously attached at the nipple every hour and a half to 2 hours!!! So very busy with that! She will not take a bottle- I've boughten 7 different kinds or take a paci. I sense a strong willed child.... Been thinking about going back to school in January but it all depends how Melina does as she gets older. She such a high maintenance baby, my boys were never like this... So my days are Filled with busyness but filled with such fulfillment. 4 kids at all different stages is amazing. It's like you know what's to come and it's so good. Brody is at such a fun stage. All of them are, but you can start to see who they mature into as people and know you did good. God did good!! He is so good! I just feel so blessed right now. God has given me a beautiful family of 6.
Thank you to all who has prayed for us and thought of us and taken care of us in the last year. The meals,cards,everything. You all are our family. And we appreciate and love you all. I will try to keep up on the blog, as I have slacked in the last few months. I hope you all have a great week and God bless you all:)

So we got ourselves a GIRL!!! Melina Mae Nyhof

I feel bad for not keeping everyone updated. So I thought I would get to letting everyone know how Melina made her way in to this world.
Last Friday I went in to the doctors office for my usual Tuesday and Friday non stress tests. I went in at 11. About 11:30 I had a huge contraction and the babies heart rate dropped and I started feeling light headed and just not right. I sat in there praying the nurse would come in asap so I could let her know babies heart rate dropped. About 10 minutes later she walked in, I told her how I was feeling and she looked at the strip and said I'll be right back. All of the sudden there was like 5 nurses in my room and they were trying to reach my doctor,she was out of the office. Meanwhile I kept having contractions from 4-5 minutes apart. Knowing the placentas issue and everything one of the nurses drove me to the hospital. I tried calling everyone I know on the way there, knowing Bailey took literally 94 minutes from top to bottom to deliver. I couldn't get ahold of no one for what seemed forever. I left mike a message. I finally got ahold of my dear friend Jaline and she meet me up at the hospital. Mike wasn't too far behind her. We sent Jaline to our house to get my bag which wasn't packed and a whole bunch of random things for labor and delivery. They put baby on monitors and we waited for dr. Meanwhile the nurses got me ready for my IV, 5 nurses and 7 tries- yikes!!!! Also lab came up for platelets for a c section( which ended up too low) I was in active labor at 36 weeks and 2 days. The doctor came in around 6 and popped my water, they were not going to stop my labor for fear that my placenta could not take it. So off were running. I was so scared and paranoid the whole time. The doctor discussed an epidurel, I didn't want 1, never had one, never want one. But him and my nurse at the time my cousin Shelly talked me into it for the fact that if they have to do an emergency c section they could access that port. So I agreed, so around 7 I got 1. My contractions basically disappeared, so they tried the least dose of pitosin because of my placenta and the baby didn't do good so they turned that off. It was touch and go the whole night. Csection or vag seriously every 20 minutes we were getting prepared for c secction. Very nerve racking labor. Around 11 pm my epidural decided to wear off on my right side, but I thought labor will be over soon enough. 3 am The nurse said we should call anesthesiologist to redo epidural I finally agreed, it kicked in right about the time she came out.3:35 am. Who knew 16 hours of labor would be so hard!!!! My longest ever was 6, I now feel sorry for all those long laboring women. 6 pushes later we have a baby GIRL!!!! Melina Mae Nyhof came out 6 lbs and 18 inches long. Orangey lite brown hair. And cute as can be. The doctor pulled her out and said to mike what is it dad and he looked at me with tears, it's a girl!!! He was so happy, he has wanted 1 for 10 years. He followed her around with the nurse, attached from birth. They cut my cord and attached it to Mike. She looks a lot like mike and a lot like Bailey when he was born. She does have my nose, the Brink nose, but that's about it. She was such a surprise. I had nothing for a girl. Who knew Mike could make 1? Her apgar came out at 8/9. She does have a high jaundice level though, well have to keep an eye on that. She is perfect to us!!!! I could not sleep afterwards so I just loved on her. She breastfed less then an hour after delivery. Latched right on, I am so excited, my boys were not that easy. I hope it continues. I had a few visitors that came up during the 2 days and got a few dresses for my little girl. And some flowers. Mike bought her my first Teddy that's about 4.5 feet tall that Bailey picked out in the gift shop. It's too cute!!!
Saturday when she was born emotionally I was great. But was worried because I had postpartum depression so bad right after delivery with Bailey. By Sunday I was a reck. Cried all day and all night. I think I have such a hard time with everything being out of my control,everything. I didn't get my belly cast done, bags packed, delivery tapped,and much more, just all of it was out of my control and a lot of regrets. I loved absolutely loved this pregnancy- dispite the complications. It was the best one ever. I felt so great the whole time and I love that feeling of her inside me, I miss it so much!!!! I'm doing better as each day goes by but still just miss her inside of me tremendously. I don't know if this is normal, I've never had this feeling before.
So tomorrow she'll be a week old,time flys!!!! She's nursing great. Up mostly nights of course and sleeps all day. But she was like that inside me too.
Brody absolutely loves her, he wants to hold her all the time and I find him just looking at her. Micah loves her and wants to hold her and kisses her all the time. Bailey is having such a hard time. He was the baby for almost 6 years. Poor guy!!! I just don't know what to do for him. Suggestions are welcome!!!!
A lot of people have asked how we came up with her name. Well We both liked Elin and all our kids have an m or b so we thought Melin, but then we found that Melina means- God has answered our prayers and thought it was perfect for her and our pregnancy. Mae is from my grandma Brink. She has had such an impact on my life.
Well we are enjoying our miracle baby so much and feel so blessed to have her and hold her. So many things could have happened in the last 8 months, but because of Gods great plans and all of your prayers we have a beautiful daughter that is healthy!!!! Thank you to all for the prayers,I truly believe we would not have her if it was'nt for all of them. Thank you again!!!

Still Prego!!!!!!

I am sitting in my bed eating a huge bowl of hudsonville cookies and cream ice cream thinking it won't be very long that I can eat like this!!!! So yes I am still pregnant, praise the Lord! I'm so sorry I haven't posted anything lately,our house got struck with lightening and have had no internet. My kids got out board games to play with this week with lots of complaints and wondered how Mike and I survived without the Internet when we were young. Were so bored-I can't hear it one more time or I am going to scream!!!!
Well the last few weeks have been challenging. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since our last meal was brought in and then Mike was out of town 5 out of the 7 days and it has been just so stressful. I have no one to depend on so who has to do it me, so I did tell my doctor a week and a half ago that there is NO way to be on bed rest, she is not happy with me, but really what am I suppose to do. Mike travels for a living and has really tried to hold off traveling for the last 10 weeks and has so we've been very fortunate for that, but he has to do what he has to do to provide for us and my family is near nonexistence. So I have been moody, stressed,overwhelmed,etc....My hormones are flaring, my poor boys!!!!! I think it's just the fact that more and more is out of my control, and I hate to be out of control!!!!
So NST are going good,dr said we have a happy baby. It has such a low heartbeat,it sometimes scares me. I'm continuing to gain weight, I think I just eat so much now because I can, even if I am not hungry,I have an excuse. I go to dr every Tuesday and Friday pretty much and every visit I gain another pound. The doctor every visit is surprised I have made it this far, really so am I. She checked me Friday and said I'm not dilated at all, which is crazy considering the last 3 I have been at a 4 at or before 4 months along and with my last they sewed me up and now with this one nothing? I was so surprised and even a little disappointed. 1-4 is the longest, I usually have a head start when I go in. Bailey literally was an 94 minutes from 1 st contraction to delivery, I'm getting scared and nervous....
So I went to post this and half of my post was gone so I'll try again, just my luck lately.
So the dr gave us a few choices. We can deliver at 37 weeks if they do an amnio and the lungs are developed or not do amnio and get induced on the 29th. But she said with the amnio since it's a vulnerable womb it's a catch 22, it could not be good to do one also. So what do we do? My doctor here and gr consulted and both said I could try to do a vaginal birth. But I need to be mentally prepared to have a csection. If at anytime I start bleeding heavy there going to do csection. So do we schedule a csection or try a vaginal? We don't know, we need to think about it and let her know when we know. I mean what if we don't do the amnio at 37 weeks and the placenta tears apart from the wall and the baby dies at 37 weeks and 4 days, we'll forever regret not having it done and by then our baby would have died and we live with that regret forever. I just don't know, I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Both the doctors did say that my water could break at any time because of the blood dripping onto it for the last 9 months has made it week. So anytime I guess we could have a baby. She thinks 36 weeks it will break, thats in like 3 days, definitely not ready. Still need a lot of stuff...
On a positive note I have only been spotting for the last week, no major bleeding, which could be good or bad, but I'll keep thinking it's good.
I want to thank you all again, I feel like we were just 24 weeks and now 10 days from full term. Thank you God!!!!! We could not have done it without all of your prayers!!! It is truly a miracle this baby and my body have hung on this far. So thank you again and please continue to pray for a healthy baby and mama. Love you all and I hope you all have a great week and I'll try to keep you updated...
I did originally put a lot more information and details about my doctor reports, but I'm exhausted so maybe next time, sorry....and good night!!!!

33 weeks!!!!

We have made it to 33 weeks-yeah!!!!
Ultrasound, Nst, and doctor appt. Yesterday. Ultrasound went good, baby Nyhof weighs approximately 4.8 lbs. What a miracle. So placenta is still doing it's job. That's so amazing that it's only partly attached and working. I'm so happy... They could see hair too, it was coming off the back of the head by the neck. I though immediately oh no it has hair like mike use to, a mullet!!!! ( go 90's) and I thought of Joe Dirt.... I'm sure the baby will be much cuter though....Anyways... NST went great, baby was very very active. Appointment went good to. Blood pressure was a little higher then normal, which I don't like since I had preclamsia with the last 2, but they'll keep an eye on it. I gained almost 5 pounds in a week. Good grief, they were so happy with that, but as a women, whew that's a lot!!!! Mike was so happy with the weight gain too, he thinks the more I gain the baby gets bigger, bless his heart it's in the right place, but 5 pounds, it's suppose to be 1 a week. The doctor said placenta has not torn anymore in the last 2 weeks, praise the Lord!!!!! So I asked her can I start doing stuff now? She looked at me like I was crazy and said well talk about it at 37 weeks. What??? I'll be full term and it's another 4 weeks away.... I am just getting so bored....and moody.....I can not stand being out of control and depending on other people, I hate it.... I do love and appreciate everyone that has helped and continues to help out, I just would love to do it myself.... So here we wait, not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but trust God that it will all work out...
A lot of people have emailed me about Bailey, he's doing much better. Thank you for the prayers. He still has 2 ear infections, but his pneumonia is better. Poor guy he just laid there for almost a week. But he is back to his busy self..
I just want to say again thank you so much for everything. We appreciate it a lot!!!!! We could NOT have gotten this far with out all of you... The doctor is surprised every week she sees me, we just didn't ever think we'd make it to 33 weeks, its just so amazing to even say. 33 weeks!!!! It is truly God that is working and in control.....
Love you all and I hope you all have a great day!!!!

We made it to 32 weeks!!!!!

So obviously I cant sleep, I have been up since 2 thinking about how far we have come in over 7 weeks and was just so excited and feeling so blessed I can not sleep... So I had another doctor appointment yesterday and she was very encouraging. I want to start off by saying that right when I get there the nurse always asks me how my week was and so does the doctor, and I told them both that last week I bleed SO much!!!!And Saturday after bleeding for 4 heavy days I prayed and prayed and prayed that I would quit bleeding at least for Mothers Day and I did...Prayers answered!!!They both told me to do what works, keep praying!!!Isnt that encouraging!!!!Prayers are working...
My non stress test turned out good-baby reacted as they hoped for so that is great and I gained 1 pound in 1 week, so right on normal(at least 1 thing is normal)She still feels I need to gain more weight so she told me to go buy protein shakes and start drinking at least 1 a day. So if anyone out there knows of one and flavor thats good please let me know. My patients never liked them so I am nervous about having to drink them... So babys good, I am good(as good as I can be), so good, good....1 more week down.(literaly 1 more week we made it and 1 week laying down-haha!!)The doctor sat with me and just asked how I was doing. That was so great becuse I feel like its baby,baby,baby all the time and dont get me wrong I know why its baby all the time, but it was just so nice for her to be concerned with how I am doing and feeling. She said that she is proud of me and how far Ive come. Im with her,I think that I have accepted that I can go anytime and am ok(today-everyday varies)for the most part. I feel so very blessed the good Lord brought us from 24 weeks to 32 weeks...Isnt that amazing? Its a miracle....I figure if I go today,I got 7+ weeks in since diagnoses and that's HUGE!!! So I do feel so blessed today and just cant sleep.
So I am thinking I need to start getting prepared for a baby-I think I am getting mentally ready and am freaking out a little. I have put off the whole what do I need  because I feared the worst, but today I am hopeful, so time to start thinking about it. My dear friend Jaline is throwing me a baby shower this Sunday. Bless her heart, she has been such an amazing friend through out the years...She is a giver all the way....She is one of my strongest rocks-everyday she calls me,worries about me,prays for me, she is just one of those people that I dont know, that you just feel that God has placed in your life,she is just a true blessing.. So I am so looking forward to an outing and to see all of my dear friends and family, whom I love so much and have missed!!!!And the food is going to be amazing!!!!Tucker's sure know how to prepare food....So on another note my husband has noticed I have been freaking out about not having baby stuff-so bless his heart he went and bought me a changing table/dresser and he surprised me with a stroller carseat combo yesterday!!!!What a great man.... He knows this whole not shopping thing is killing me. I mean how many times do you get to go shopping for baby stuff? And since God has such a great sense of humor with placing our children 6 years apart....So shopping begins(online) and I am feeling less anxiety as 1 more thing is checked off my list of buys. Well 2 I guess.. What an awesome man Mike is!!!! Love him to pieces!!!!
So I wanted to give you all an update on the doctor appointment. And tell you about how blessed I feel today. I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support, I could not have made it this far with out any of you so thank you, thank you, thank you.....
God is good!!!!!!

May 9

Good morning. Sorry it's been so long since I wrote. I got a lot of emails last week wanting to know an update. Last weekend started really rough with my little one getting sick, and by Tuesday was screaming non stop. He had his left ear drum rupture, a right ear infection, sinus infection, and left side pneumonia. Poor guy!!! That kept me busy snuggling and caring for him most of last week. Isnt strange how fast time goes when we are busy or our minds are preoccupied with other things?
This weekend marked two painful, but joyous at the same time anniversaries. It has been a year since my aunt Deb passed away from melanoma and it would have been our baby Bre's 10th birthday. Life, everyday someone losses it and everyday someone gains it. I know they are both in heaven rejoicing with our Lord and savior and they are happy as can be. I just miss them both very much!!!! But rejoice in the fact that one day I will see them again.
So a very emotional busy week of really doing nothing, but busy in a different sense.
So I went to the dr. On Tuesday. Had an ultrasound done and dr. Appt. The baby is getting bigger so they can't see the placenta that well anymore so nothing has really changed they hope. They believe there is now a blood clot forming or still trying to form behind the placenta. My thought is that must be a big blood clot!!! Anyways they will see how much baby weighs next Tuesday, they want to make sure my placenta is still nourishing the baby. I only gained .4 ounces in 2 weeks so that worries me about the baby not gaining. I am at 31 weeks praise the Lord for that. I didn't think we' d make it to 25 weeks so what an accomplishment to be writing to you at 31 weeks!!!! I know I could not have made it this far without all your prayers, not at all. So thank you from the deepest of my heart.
So I am currently on weekly non stress tests and dr. Appts and bi weekly ultrasounds. So another dr. Appt tomorrow. Hey it gives me a reason to shower get dressed AND get out of the house, it's like a field trip-Yeah! The little things that excite me these days. When I went in on Tuesday I was in a great mood,( considering the circumstances) let me tell you why 1st. Bailey's eardrum burst at 7 am, could not find a person what so ever to take him in so I did, I took him to the dr.,After that had to go get his prescription filled and of course went to star bucks cause I could barely stay awake from the night before. Dropped my poor sicko off at my moms for my ultrasound. After my ultrasound the nurse and doctor both commented that they haven't seen me so uplifted and in such good spirits in months. I told them I showered, got dressed, and got out of the house. I know it sounds like such a minut thing, but it just made me so happy and in such a good mood. Isn't that crazy how such little things can change your day. Even my kids made a comment about having old mom back,bless there hearts... So the dr gave me permission to go out on my weekly dr visit and if I am not bleeding to be able to go out 1 other day, but pick my activity carefully. Woo hoo, that is great!!!! I left so hopeful!!!! 1 day to do something- yeah!!!! But the catch was IF I am not bleeding, which I come home and have bleed the most I have ever bleed in probably 4 months Wednesday,Thursday,Friday,Saturday. I was so frustrated.... Come on God.... So I woke up yesterday on Mothers Day (and what a great Mothers day, my boys all 4 of them are so great and thoughtful,even the baby( ok mike made it)made me something from paint a pot...)and didn't bleed one drop all day,praise God!!! I hope this continues. Well it's kind of a cathch 22. If I'm not bleeding it pools behind the placenta and if I'm bleeding that's not good either,so I don't even know what to think these days, but the dr said, if I'm not bleeding I can go out. So my hope is to see my oldest Brody march in the parade Wednesday or Saturday, that is my big outing this week. Cotton candy,elephant ears and lemonade here I come!!!!! The nurse told me to eat 2 elephant ears to try to gain some weight, no problem there....best prescription I've ever gotten...
So another week gone by and hopefully another week to survive. I will keep you posted. Bags are packed for tomorrow just in case and am getting more and more mentally ready. So nothing really has changed besides the weather is nicer and I get to lay on the couch all day and look at it. But I just want to say thank you so very much for the prayers,visits,and the awesome meals for my boys and I. Everything and everyone has been so so so great!!!! Thank you and hopefully an update soon. May God bless us all this week!!!!

We have made it another week!!!!!

So yes I am still sitting around pondering what each new day will bring. But most of all are so thankful for everyones support and prayers that keep this little peanut in me and that were both healthy. It's amazing when you go through life situations who is there to help you get through the difficult times. It's just amazing the prayers, love, meals, just in general help from others.
Last Friday we received our first meal and Mike felt ashamed that we were getting meals, he stressed he didn't like it. But Monday came around, he worked in Detroit all day came home ate and went to his consistery meeting for church. He got home and told me how thankful he is for the meals, just one less thing he has to do and worry about. I think that both Mike and I are such independent people that it's just hard to break down that wall of our security, but God knows that and us inside and out, that I believe he's just working in us to have to break us down. We don't always just need ourselves and we are learning this one day at a time. The meals have been amazing, when they drop them off they look just as happy as we are receiving them. How great is that to give and feel great? Our God is truly amazing!!!! He gives to us all the time!!!
Every morning I've been just opening my Bible and reading where I open up. I have read some very great chapters this last few weeks. I read on Job 35 this morning. I just have to say God leads me to these chapters 100%. It talks about sinning and I want to recap a little for you. Elihu is asking- what do I gain by not sinning? If I sin how does this effect me? If you are righteous what do you give to God or what does he receive from you? God does not listen to our empty pleas. Sometimes we wonder if being faithful to our convictions really does any good at all. God is still concerned even though he doesn't intervene immediately in every situation. In Gods time. We have his promise on that. Don't lose hope, wait upon God. He notices our faith. Is it just me or is he speaking to me? God is so amazing, so very amazing!!!!
So we have reached another week, praise God!!! And I haven't written much this week because I have had such good company visit with me, which I am so thankful for. It keeps my mind off the negatives. I know a lot of people wonder,care and are worried about us. We are hanging in there 1 day at a time.... And really do appreciate everything from the bottom of our hearts. We will keep you updated. Next doctor appointment is Tuesday, I am trying mentally to become more and more prepared for what's to come, and I'm not to be honest, but trying to accept that it is out of my control at this point and am trying everything in my power to hang in there. Still scared to death of a c section. I don't know how all you women do them, but I know you have to do what you have to do. And I have to accept it, I'm trying... I think it's everything really that its all out of my control at this point that scares me and drives me nuts. I want to have a plan, I want it to work out in my way, I want it to be done in my way. Sound familiar? I, I, I...... If only life was that easy. But if it was we wouldn't get to the relying on God part. If we didn't have this happen to us we would have just taken the whole pregnancy for granted, as we do with much of our lives. It's like we think we deserve it. We deserve nothing to go wrong in our lives and everything to go just right. But it's the complete opposite. We deserve nothing. Really we don't..... By Gods grace he loves us and cares for us....and gives us all things.
So thank you again for the love you've shown us and may God bless you this day....

Friday

Good morning to you all. Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I feel I am a horrible wife and mother. I can't stand not running them all around and playing with them and just doing normal day to day stuff. Man did I take just even the little things for granted. As probably many of us do. I thank God I have a great husband. He has been so strong through all of this. He works hard everyday to provide for us. On most nights he works late, comes home, cooks dinner, runs kids to sport practices, gets them home, snacks, homework, showers, and puts them to bed. I hope and pray he does not run too low too fast... He is such an amazing father, husband, and provider and I feel so blessed that God has given him to me for the last 11 years.
I wanted to share with you a verse my friend and maid of honor lyndsey wrote to me the other day that I focused my devotions on this morning. Jeremiah 29. I want to highlight a few key verses. "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." as I read in my study Bible- it states God is our leader, he knows our future, and his plan for us is good and full of hope. It doesn't mean that that we will be spared from pain, suffering, or hardship, but that God will see us through to a glorious conclusion.
How easy is that? It is so hard when you go through stuff in your lives that is out of your control. We want quick fixes and now.... That's who we are... But we just have to believe and have faith that God truly is all around us at all times and knows all things. He knew we would go through this, long ago. And he could have not had it happen, but I believe through trials and tests we rely on him even more and trust in him and it always makes us stronger. So we must whole heartedly give God our hearts, our joys and our hurts, because he is right next to us leading us in HIS plan, not ours!!! For it is his plans, not mine.... I have to constantly remind myself of this on an hourly basis. I can't change his plan for me, I can't...I just have to have faith!!!!
So I pray that this day will go good, emotionally and physically. I pray that God will keep my placenta attached to the wall of my uterus, my water does not break and that my spirit is lifted. I know you can do all things Lord, in Jesus name....Amen.....

Update....

Just got back from our Dr. Appointment.. I want to begin by thanking all of you for your prayers,truly from the bottom of our hearts. It's been a rough 4 and a half weeks. We appreciate all the support,thoughts,and really just everything.
So Dr. looked at ultrasound pictures and last months pictures show fresh blood behind placenta where it is detaching from my uterus. This ultrasound shows that it is even more detached but it looks like my body is trying to clot it off. Which we don't know yet if it is, but it looks like it. Which is good, but I still continue to bleed daily and it has made my bag of water weak as it drips blood on it. So two things he is concerned about. My bag of water popping and/or my placenta tearing off uterine wall. So he said were going to take it 1 day at a time. Baby needs to cook a little longer. I got my second steroid shot today and they would like baby to absorb it for 72 hours. So we are hoping for the best. Next appt. and ultrasound is in 13 days. So keep my feet up and relax was dr's orders and just take it 1 day at a time at this point.(if you know me, you know this is going to be difficult-I can't sit still,never could)So good news, but yet not the best we could have gotten. But thanks to all the prayers and continued prayers my placenta stays attached and my bag of water hangs in there.
I did pack this morning to prepare myself for bed rest at hospital or c section stay. I am a planner so that has helped me feel prepared at least for now. Still anxious about c section. I am the type of person that doesn't even take a pill for a headache, let alone all my deliveries without drugs. I can't stand not having control over things, I think that's what scares me and the fact that I have sat in on c sections and know what happens on the other side of the curtain. I like being the nurse, not the patient!!!!
So please, please continue your prayers... For me and the baby and of course my family as Mike and the kind people that have already volunteered keep this house rolling.
Thank you again for everything.....
We love all of you and may God bless you!!!!!

From the beginning.....

So it all starts back in October of last year. I wasn't feeling right, but I wasn't late on my period yet, but I went ahead and took a test, it came back negative. I was so happy!!!! I just passed my nursing boards 2 weeks prior and everything was going great in my life, just how I planned. I went to a friends house, came home later that night, still didn't feel right so I took the test out of the garbage and it said positive. I freaked out!!!!! So I read instructions and it said if waiting more then 10 minutes and then reading it it could be false. So I thought good- whew!!! But I couldn't shake it, so I starting drinking a lot of water. By now it's 1:30 a.m. And went to get another one. Took it and it came out positive. I was in complete shock!!!!! I couldn't believe we were pregnant-( with our last we tryed for 3 years, fertility, and we haven't prevented anything for over 5.5 years. We were told in June we couldn't get pregnant due to my ovarian cysts. Mike was schedueling his vasectomy and God must of heard us because obviously he had a totally different plan for us and we were not done.)I started screaming, crying, a whole lot of emotions came flooding in. I have a son going into high school, all my kids are in school- I finally have freedom, my life is so easy, I just went to school for 4 years to go do what I always wanted to do, my oldest wants to go to Hope- were going to have 1 in college and 1 in pre school. I'll need a bigger car,etc..... The list goes on. I flipped out. I rocked my self in the bathroom for 2 hours just trying to wrap myself around the idea of another. Life is so easy for us right now. I went into bed,but I couldn't stop crying, Mike woke up and asked what is wrong- I told him and he said ok well talk about it in the morning. It is now 4 am. He rolled over and went to bed like it was no big deal. Hello!!!!! Were starting over!!!!! I didn't understand how he could be so calm. He took it way better then I did.....

3 days later Mike left for Texas early in the morning for a week. Around 8 am I started bleeding. Just laid low that day. Bleed all day and night. Called the doctor in morning,they did Hcg levels and said just wait it out but most likely I was miscarrying. Thursday they did blood work again and Hcg levels were higher but not where they're suppose to be. They did an ultrasound that day and saw a sack but no baby- too soon to see if there's a baby,so just go home and wait. Easier said then done- especially since Mikes out of town. So 2 weeks come and go- still bleeding. 7 weeks have ultrasound and saw a heart beat,melted our hearts but still worried because I'm bleeding so much. We meet with our specialist OB DR that day. All my pregnancies were high risk( diabetes,preclamsia,low fluid, preterm labor at 4 months with all of them, you name it I've had it) so it is kind of nice to have a high risk doctor that we know and love, he prayed with us and said only 2 percent chance of miscarriage now. We walked out of there still worried, Mikes and I 2nd child past away at 14 weeks gest. Due to spina bifida so we are not out of the clear yet we thought. So dr. Appt every 4 weeks and ultrasound every 4 weeks is the plan. 4 pills of folic acid due to spina bifida(our 4th was born with a mild form also-so 2 out of 4 have it)1 81 mg aspirin for preclamsia( had it with the last 2) and a z PAC for the preterm labor to prevent and a prenatal. Mike jokes I need a pill container!!! So we have a plan in place.
Weeks go by and still bleeding- have decided not to tell anyone were pregnant except close family because we don't know what's going to happen, with the bleeding and spina bifida.
This pregnancy has been great really the best feeling one at least. I didn't gain a lot of weight at the beginning so no one could tell either. So we decided after the ultrasound at 21 weeks we'd tell people. But we just didn't get around to it. So when we went to our ultrasound at 24 weeks and found out we have issues,people just don't even know were expecting let alone what we have have gone through.
So still through this whole thing I'm still bleeding. 4 weeks ago went in for the usual ultrasound and appt. They found why I am bleeding. My placenta is missing 2 chunks out of it and is starting to detach from my uterine wall(placenta abruptio) I was I think in shock. Cried all the way home. Why Lord can I not have 1 normal pregnancy out of 5. WHY??? I was heartbroken, truly. Crying while I'm writing. So bed rest again for the 4 th time. I thank God my kids are older this time around that they can take care of themselves for the most part. So that night Mike and I just cryed and kind of mourned together. We found some amazing blogs of people that had 24 threw 28 week old babies and gave us some hope. We relied on these blogs a lot. I mean how can a baby survive at 24 weeks? I was just devastated!! I thank God for blogs, I know that sounds crazy but it has helped so much. So I hope mine helps someone.
So the last 4 weeks I have really been doing nothing, so then yesterday getting ready for today I thought okay prepare,prepare... I always think the worst- that's who I am. So very nervous for today.
Mike and I left at 8:30 got there and had our ultrasound. Baby is 2 lbs 11 oz-give or take some. Meet with dr after u/s. I gained only 5.8 lbs which is good, very good,loving food!!!! Swiss cake rolls and coke!!!! No GDM,no protein in urine everything good so far. Dr came in, not good-placenta is even farther detached and blood is pooling behind it. It's called a chronic placenta abruptio. It is slivering down. Her goal last time was 28 weeks and we made it to 28 weeks so very happy for that. 80 percent survival at this point. So she sat down and talked to us about having a c section. Even if I went into labor on my own my placenta would not hold up in labor. I'm so devasted. I just wanted 1. 1 normal pregnancy!!!! I could not even do that. I'm just so sad and mad and a whole kind of mix of emotions. They gave baby steroids today at noon and called my high risk DR in GR. We see him tomorrow and get our next dose of steroids. So lots of prayers tonight. Lots of tears tonight. I just can't believe from the beginning of not wanting this baby to now of wanting this baby more then anything. I believe God has a plan for everything and we trust and hope in him for all things. One of us will post tomorrow an update. Please pray for my anxiety for a c section, the baby to be healthy and that tomorrow will go as great as it can be. God we love you and know that you know all things.....

Why I started a blog....

It all started 4 weeks ago today that mikes and my life changed a lot, we came home from our doctor appointment and started looking up info on my diagnoses and found many blogs that have helped us so much get through these tough times so I thought I would start a blog because it has helped us so much get through this journey we have been going through, that I hope my blog helps others that have gone through this and are going through what we are going through.