Recovering...

Hello all-
I want to start out with a BIG Thank You for the meals, cards, books to read, the visits and most of all the prayers! You all were a definite God send. I went to both my surgeons in the last 2 days and have been deemed okay to go out and be by people and try to get back to normal, well of what I can. I have to say my range of motion is getting better by the day. I can now wash my own hair and pull down my pants:) still cant shave my arm pits, but hey its winter-who doesn't need some extra warmth in there! I have to say the 1st 3 weeks were a shock to me-especially the 1st 2 weeks I couldn't get out of bed except bathroom and baths.  I was not aware of the extreme discomfort, pain, and blah ness. I wish I would have know that going into this-but I guess every women is different. I am and I think will always be that 1 in a million person. I had adverse reactions to almost all meds they put me on, so it was hard to get rid of infections and pain. I got a secondary infection on day 12 post up, just 2 days after I finished my 1st antibiotic and suffered from a hematoma that I had to go in and get aspirated, and saving tissue when its black is a round the clock job-but Mike and I prayed all the time about it(I did not want another 4/5 hour surgery) and God answered our prayers and the tissue has healed with the soaps, meds, creams, etc... and is now pink:) It is my new favorite color!!!!
I have to say that out of all of this that Mike and I went threw, I look at Mike in a new way. In a better way. In a life changing way. He was amazing! He walked me to the bathroom 6 -8 times a night to pull down my pants, he bathed me, shaved me, milked my drains, drained my drains, kept my meds on track, got me food and water every time I asked, took off work for a week around the clock took care of me and all 4 kiddos. Did laundry even( the kids just started wearing there clothes numerous days in a row-Mike found bleach and loved to use it-poor kiddos) For the first time I seen what our vows meant threw better and for worst, for sickness and for health. I could never imagine going threw this with anyone else.  He was truly amazing!
When I went to the doctor Tuesday and Wednesday they both couldn't believe how well I turned out after all the complications. It was a long, long, long 3 weeks!!! Worst then I could have ever imagine! There was good days, bad days, and crawl in a ball and want to die days. I am mourning I thought pretty well about losing my self as a women and as a mother never to breast feed again, until I started going threw my baby stuff to get rid of today and found my udder cover and cried for hours. So I think if I don't think about it, I do okay. I don't think that's a healthy way of dealing, but that's what I got right now. I cant face reality-it hurts too bad yet! A lot of women has asked me if I was doing reconstruction and yes I am-its a slow go for me with all the set backs, but I do plan on it. I think if I was in my 60's or older I wouldn't worry about it, but as a young 32:) I choose to go ahead and do it for myself. I know other people have there opinions and views, but for me as a women I wanted to do it-I don't know if every day I could wake up, look at my massive scars and think I'm beautiful just the way I am. That's just me though.  I have 2 scars/incisions that are about 3-4 inches long and then the 2nd surgery they'll be about the same in different spots, so Ill be scar for life. I've gotten asked about that too so I just want to try to answer all questions I've gotten asked. I am still waiting for my results on my tissue to come back- no word yet. But I do have to say my 1st night home I had a vivid real life what was going on right now that there was breast cancer in the right breast where my radial scar was. I woke up Mike and told him I felt God was telling me I made the right choice-it was there! My dream gave me some relief actually in a weird way to know I didn't go threw all this for nothing. Not that I didn't do it for nothing I mean 150%-200% increase chance for getting breast cancer is huge. I don't want to play that down, I'm just saying the dream was at the right time! I am excited that I will be around hopefully God willing longer to be here on this Earth to enjoy life, and my kiddos.
 I cant wait for the day to sleep on my sides. This back sleeping is for the birds. No one told me that either. I'm still tired a lot and if I do something for an hour or so or go get groceries I'm done for the day. I've been driving for about a week now successfully. I tried to drive December 26th and not a good idea-made it to 2 stores and I couldn't turn to see if there were cars behind me or on the side of me, so I gave it another week and it was much better. So if I cut you off-sorry!!!
It is very interesting to me how many women have had mastectomies. I have to share the night before surgery Brody and I went on a date and went to the mall-I thought man I better get button up pajamas tonight(you cant do pull over shirts for well I still cant do it without struggle and someone to help) so I went to Victoria Secret while Brody went to Dunham's of course and picked out 2 pairs of pjs and got to talking to the sales lady there-a young women-probably the same age or younger then me and shared with her I couldn't buy the pjs she was showing me because I was going for a double mastectomy the next day. She just looked at me in silence for a few minutes-during which Brody walked in and she shared with us that she had a mastectomy 2 years ago(has the same doctor I have) and needs to have the other one off. 2 young kids also and just shared with me her story. We teared up together-well I cried. She gave me her employee discount-which was amazing! Brody and I left there and talked about it all the way home-God puts the right people at the right place at the right time. Its the little things in life that we do, think, say that make all the difference in others lives! I went back there this weekend and she must had shared my story because the staff was coming up to me and asking me how I was doing, that there all thinking and praying for me. They were so sweet!!! Its people like that that make this whole life changing process a little better. They for sure have my business!!! I also went to Home and Company this weekend to return a gift and there is an ornament there with hope, life, love with a breast cancer ribbon on it-60% off and I asked the women behind the counter about it going on more of a discount-(hey I'm Dutch!!!!) She didn't know, but she shared with me she had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation and her journey threw breast cancer. It is amazing to me how many women go threw this and don't talk about it. I just don't understand why. Well I didn't get the ornament even though I so badly wanted it- I guess to remind me that this Christmas there was ALOT to be thankful for and to remind me every Christmas what we went through as a family. I might have to go back and see if it gets cheaper:) I do wonder though-women go threw this, so why do they not talk about it. I firmly believe that God allows you to go threw trials to make you a better person, value life, and to help others. Its the trials that makes you ultimately who you are. God just tests us and wants us to get closer and have a better relationship with him. And they do. I've prayed a lot in the last year and now I find myself talking to him all the time, all day long. I did not do that more then a year ago. It was only when I need things-like to get threw school, or when my kids were sick, or when it seemed to benefit me. God had a plan for me long ago to go threw this and to bring me closer to him and it did! It Is amazing-truly! He talks to me, he tells me who to pray for, what to do for who, its so cool! I think its always been there, I just didn't listen or pay attention. He lived with me, now he lives in me! God is so great!
I am now on every 2 week visits to 1 doctor and every 3 weeks to the other, so hopefully everything continues to go great-Lord willing! I will still be slow to go and tire easy, but I've gotten threw the worst of it and will continue to heal and get better. So thank you from my heart for everything! Going threw something so major shows you who is there for you threw the thick and thin. There are some really amazing people in my life!!! Thank You!