So.... I debated on even writing about my upcoming surgery and I feel that there are few women that have radial scar's and most of them don't know about other women who have them, so I wanted to give hope or someone that is going threw the process of diagnosis feelings and thoughts of someone that has gone threw it. I want to start out as this has been a long year. They found my radial scar last November, so there has been a lot of thought, prayer, self examining, a lot of emotions, tears, and why me's???? There has been times where I have just lived like a hermit and stayed in my PJ's for 5 days at a time and cried out to God! I am now 4 days to surgery and nervous, scared, I even showed Mike last night if I don't make it here's the presents-there all wrapped and ready to go. I am not an optimistic when it comes to medical stuff, maybe because I was at Spectrum for 2 years and seen every worse case scenario that could happen. I think I believe it wont go good. That's my worry, and what I will look like, the pain, the recovery, and I know it sounds weird, but I'm only 32, I don't know if I am done having kids and I am one of those women who LOVE to breastfeed and in a way, no actually very mourning that I will never do that again and it breaks my heart! That is the major reason I didn't want to have a double mastectomy for that fact alone! Mike keeps reminding me that he wants me to be here to watch the kids grow old instead of breastfeeding other kiddos-that's what's formulas for. I understand what he's saying, I was lucky to start having kids so young and have enjoyed breastfeeding 4 beautiful babies, but the thought of never doing it again brings tears to my eyes and I mourn the loss of being able to be whole! And who says I'm having more kids-probably not, but to think I cant do something is just not in my vocab. I want something I go get it. That's how I am wired! I heard in my small group a while back that- Women are made in the image of Jesus-close to perfection-Mike laughed when I told him that when he was getting mad at me for redoing something over and over:) I said I'm just trying to be more like Jesus!!!
There has been a lot of prep to do in the last month for Christmas and 4 kids for me to do nothing for 2-4 weeks. If you know me I am a perfectionist OCD freak! I collect the dust before it falls-my grandma would say a good Dutch women:) I fret over the little stuff- thinking oh my word how will 4 boys/men clean there clothes-they don't know how to run the washer at all! My toilet will be a disaster in 24 hours-guaranteed!!!!!! I know its the little things, but that's me-every detail must be done right and at an exact time and be perfect! So you can see where my worry is when Ill be lying in a bed for 2 weeks not able to lift ANYTHING!
This decision did not come easy. I thought why am I having the healthy breast cut off, why not the bad one? Why am I doing this at all? Who knows what time will tell and if I will get Breast Cancer or, or, or..... You can drive yourself crazy with all the questions, why, when, what ,if ,or, etc.. I have. This has been on my mind for a year-it has consumed my every thought, action, life! I make my own deodorant, face cream, organic, gluten free, ask my kids-don't use that cancer stick(deodorant). Advocate-we need to do it for our families! So I researched what I have and only 0.04% women have these radial scars. 6 out of 15,000 women have them. Very rare in any women under 40 years old. They increase your chances of breast cancer 150-200% greater then the average women. That's huge-how can I ignore something that was in my body that is so rare and just sit back and wait for something to happen? I am a worry wart. My doctor-whom I love dearly has told me, if I don't have the mastectomy its an MRI every 6 months and a breast biopsy every 1-3 years for the REST OF MY LIFE!!! That's a long, long time and I feel a lot of worry. Every 6 months for the rest of my life I have to wait for the dreaded results-did they come back clean? Are they bad-since I generally think the worst anyway? I don't know if I could do that my whole life-Its like Id be waiting for Cancer to come. Is that a lump I feel, I feel tired, I wonder what's wrong with me? I think it would be a terrible way to live! The radial scars are so rare- no one really knows what the right answer is, that's why they do so much follow up. I can tell you if your in your early 30's and your tissue is already changing its probably not a good sign. I have read a few blogs about women who have had these taken out and been done with it. I don't think I am one of those women. I don't want in 5 or even 10 years year's down the road have breast cancer when they knew I was at an increased risk. And go threw what these women endure-chemo, radiation, I've seen a few of my friends go threw it and I don't want to mess with it. Bless there hearts-truly! You are brave strong women! If someone would have told you 10 years ago or even 20 years ago you would have breast cancer would have had them taken off? I think of my aunt who passed away 3 years ago-bless her heart Aunt Deb I miss you tons-I was talking to my Uncle Dave last week on the phone about it, If she would have been told in her 30's she'd have cancer would she have done something about it- and the answer is always YES! So I have to keep telling myself this-it is for the best. It doesn't take away the mourning, or the pain, worry, anxieties, or that my family might starve and live in a dirty house for a while, but I made a choice-I love my 4 kiddos so very much and I want to see them grow into adults and see my grand babies. I made my choice of because I know who I am: the worry wart, the fear driven women, the women that loves life, loves my kiddos, loves the man that can see past a women with no breasts, the women that God made me to be-ME!
