Recovering...

Hello all-
I want to start out with a BIG Thank You for the meals, cards, books to read, the visits and most of all the prayers! You all were a definite God send. I went to both my surgeons in the last 2 days and have been deemed okay to go out and be by people and try to get back to normal, well of what I can. I have to say my range of motion is getting better by the day. I can now wash my own hair and pull down my pants:) still cant shave my arm pits, but hey its winter-who doesn't need some extra warmth in there! I have to say the 1st 3 weeks were a shock to me-especially the 1st 2 weeks I couldn't get out of bed except bathroom and baths.  I was not aware of the extreme discomfort, pain, and blah ness. I wish I would have know that going into this-but I guess every women is different. I am and I think will always be that 1 in a million person. I had adverse reactions to almost all meds they put me on, so it was hard to get rid of infections and pain. I got a secondary infection on day 12 post up, just 2 days after I finished my 1st antibiotic and suffered from a hematoma that I had to go in and get aspirated, and saving tissue when its black is a round the clock job-but Mike and I prayed all the time about it(I did not want another 4/5 hour surgery) and God answered our prayers and the tissue has healed with the soaps, meds, creams, etc... and is now pink:) It is my new favorite color!!!!
I have to say that out of all of this that Mike and I went threw, I look at Mike in a new way. In a better way. In a life changing way. He was amazing! He walked me to the bathroom 6 -8 times a night to pull down my pants, he bathed me, shaved me, milked my drains, drained my drains, kept my meds on track, got me food and water every time I asked, took off work for a week around the clock took care of me and all 4 kiddos. Did laundry even( the kids just started wearing there clothes numerous days in a row-Mike found bleach and loved to use it-poor kiddos) For the first time I seen what our vows meant threw better and for worst, for sickness and for health. I could never imagine going threw this with anyone else.  He was truly amazing!
When I went to the doctor Tuesday and Wednesday they both couldn't believe how well I turned out after all the complications. It was a long, long, long 3 weeks!!! Worst then I could have ever imagine! There was good days, bad days, and crawl in a ball and want to die days. I am mourning I thought pretty well about losing my self as a women and as a mother never to breast feed again, until I started going threw my baby stuff to get rid of today and found my udder cover and cried for hours. So I think if I don't think about it, I do okay. I don't think that's a healthy way of dealing, but that's what I got right now. I cant face reality-it hurts too bad yet! A lot of women has asked me if I was doing reconstruction and yes I am-its a slow go for me with all the set backs, but I do plan on it. I think if I was in my 60's or older I wouldn't worry about it, but as a young 32:) I choose to go ahead and do it for myself. I know other people have there opinions and views, but for me as a women I wanted to do it-I don't know if every day I could wake up, look at my massive scars and think I'm beautiful just the way I am. That's just me though.  I have 2 scars/incisions that are about 3-4 inches long and then the 2nd surgery they'll be about the same in different spots, so Ill be scar for life. I've gotten asked about that too so I just want to try to answer all questions I've gotten asked. I am still waiting for my results on my tissue to come back- no word yet. But I do have to say my 1st night home I had a vivid real life what was going on right now that there was breast cancer in the right breast where my radial scar was. I woke up Mike and told him I felt God was telling me I made the right choice-it was there! My dream gave me some relief actually in a weird way to know I didn't go threw all this for nothing. Not that I didn't do it for nothing I mean 150%-200% increase chance for getting breast cancer is huge. I don't want to play that down, I'm just saying the dream was at the right time! I am excited that I will be around hopefully God willing longer to be here on this Earth to enjoy life, and my kiddos.
 I cant wait for the day to sleep on my sides. This back sleeping is for the birds. No one told me that either. I'm still tired a lot and if I do something for an hour or so or go get groceries I'm done for the day. I've been driving for about a week now successfully. I tried to drive December 26th and not a good idea-made it to 2 stores and I couldn't turn to see if there were cars behind me or on the side of me, so I gave it another week and it was much better. So if I cut you off-sorry!!!
It is very interesting to me how many women have had mastectomies. I have to share the night before surgery Brody and I went on a date and went to the mall-I thought man I better get button up pajamas tonight(you cant do pull over shirts for well I still cant do it without struggle and someone to help) so I went to Victoria Secret while Brody went to Dunham's of course and picked out 2 pairs of pjs and got to talking to the sales lady there-a young women-probably the same age or younger then me and shared with her I couldn't buy the pjs she was showing me because I was going for a double mastectomy the next day. She just looked at me in silence for a few minutes-during which Brody walked in and she shared with us that she had a mastectomy 2 years ago(has the same doctor I have) and needs to have the other one off. 2 young kids also and just shared with me her story. We teared up together-well I cried. She gave me her employee discount-which was amazing! Brody and I left there and talked about it all the way home-God puts the right people at the right place at the right time. Its the little things in life that we do, think, say that make all the difference in others lives! I went back there this weekend and she must had shared my story because the staff was coming up to me and asking me how I was doing, that there all thinking and praying for me. They were so sweet!!! Its people like that that make this whole life changing process a little better. They for sure have my business!!! I also went to Home and Company this weekend to return a gift and there is an ornament there with hope, life, love with a breast cancer ribbon on it-60% off and I asked the women behind the counter about it going on more of a discount-(hey I'm Dutch!!!!) She didn't know, but she shared with me she had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation and her journey threw breast cancer. It is amazing to me how many women go threw this and don't talk about it. I just don't understand why. Well I didn't get the ornament even though I so badly wanted it- I guess to remind me that this Christmas there was ALOT to be thankful for and to remind me every Christmas what we went through as a family. I might have to go back and see if it gets cheaper:) I do wonder though-women go threw this, so why do they not talk about it. I firmly believe that God allows you to go threw trials to make you a better person, value life, and to help others. Its the trials that makes you ultimately who you are. God just tests us and wants us to get closer and have a better relationship with him. And they do. I've prayed a lot in the last year and now I find myself talking to him all the time, all day long. I did not do that more then a year ago. It was only when I need things-like to get threw school, or when my kids were sick, or when it seemed to benefit me. God had a plan for me long ago to go threw this and to bring me closer to him and it did! It Is amazing-truly! He talks to me, he tells me who to pray for, what to do for who, its so cool! I think its always been there, I just didn't listen or pay attention. He lived with me, now he lives in me! God is so great!
I am now on every 2 week visits to 1 doctor and every 3 weeks to the other, so hopefully everything continues to go great-Lord willing! I will still be slow to go and tire easy, but I've gotten threw the worst of it and will continue to heal and get better. So thank you from my heart for everything! Going threw something so major shows you who is there for you threw the thick and thin. There are some really amazing people in my life!!! Thank You!

Post Op Appt

Well I am home and doing nothing, well sleeping, watching the Hallmark channel and reading books and trying to heal! About 23.75 out of 24 hours. I have ok days and terrible days. I got a bath in so that was an accomplishment, but just that wore me out-I have zero energy!!! I went to my post op appt and I got my drains out-which hurt and burned! But kind of nice not to be hauling(well laying) around 2 big grenade things and milking tubes, measuring outputs, etc...Were trying to find a pain pill that wont make me delusional, dizzy, and all that junk feeling. Its been a long week trying to find a great pain pill. Hope the script she gave me today works. I cant get my pain under control and she said that's what's slowing my healing is I'm in so much pain. I also have some blackening so we will have to keep an eye on it and she prescribed cream to try to save the skin. So not a great appt, but not terrible. I looked at me self in the mirror today and feeling discouraged and sad. It is not me and I definitely am not past the mourning stage. Wednesday when we got to the hospital I cried the 3 hours I was waiting for surgery and was balling as they put me under. I kept asking Mike-take me home I don't want to do this. He doesn't listen well. My doctor prayed with us- She told me I don't lock the doors you can choose not to have the surgery,  I know short term that would be the right thing to do, but not the long term-waiting for cancer! I still feel like I should and then I shouldn't. When I looked in the mirror today, it was definitely, I shouldn't have. I had a wonderful women that had this done 12 years ago call me this morning and shared with me that there will be pity party days and some days where you think how awesome I don't ever have to worry about breast cancer. I totally agree with her, I felt like she gave me permission to pity and mourn and rejoice. And I think I needed that today. God sends just the right people when we need them.
I want to send a huge thank you for the meals we received, it is just 1 less thing Mike has to worry about and do. Right now Mike is constantly busy taking care of me and our 4 kiddos. He is doing a fantastic job though! Couldn't have asked for a better care giver!
So please keep praying for healing and pain control. I would absolutely love and appreciate it!
Thank you to all that are still are praying for us. It helped me so much with my anxiety and worry before surgery. SO a HUGE THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!

4 days to surgery....

So.... I debated on even writing about my upcoming surgery and I feel that there are few women that have radial scar's and most of them don't know about other women who have them, so I wanted to give hope or someone that is going threw the process of diagnosis feelings and thoughts of someone that has gone threw it. I want to start out as this has been a long year. They found my radial scar last November, so there has been a lot of thought, prayer, self examining, a lot of emotions, tears, and why me's???? There has been times where I have just lived like a hermit and stayed in my PJ's for 5 days at a time and cried out to God! I am now 4 days to surgery and nervous, scared, I even showed Mike last night if I don't make it here's the presents-there all wrapped and ready to go. I am not an optimistic when it comes to medical stuff, maybe because I was at Spectrum for 2 years and seen every worse case scenario that could happen. I think I believe it wont go good. That's my worry, and what I will look like, the pain, the recovery, and I know it sounds weird, but I'm only 32, I don't know if I am done having kids and I am one of those women who LOVE to breastfeed and in a way, no actually very mourning that I will never do that again and it breaks my heart! That is the major reason I didn't want to have a double mastectomy for that fact alone! Mike keeps reminding me that he wants me to be here to watch the kids grow old instead of breastfeeding other kiddos-that's what's formulas for. I understand what he's saying, I was lucky to start having kids so young and have enjoyed breastfeeding 4 beautiful babies, but the thought of never doing it again brings tears to my eyes and I mourn the loss of being able to be whole! And who says I'm having more kids-probably not, but to think I cant do something is just not in my vocab. I want something I go get it. That's how I am wired! I heard in my small group a while back that- Women are made in the image of Jesus-close to perfection-Mike laughed when I told him that when he was getting mad at me for redoing something over and over:) I said I'm just trying to be more like Jesus!!!
 There has been a lot of prep to do in the last month for Christmas and 4 kids for me to do nothing for 2-4 weeks. If you know me I am a perfectionist OCD freak! I collect the dust before it falls-my grandma would say a good Dutch women:) I fret over the little stuff- thinking oh my word how will 4 boys/men clean there clothes-they don't know how to run the washer at all! My toilet will be a disaster in 24 hours-guaranteed!!!!!! I know its the little things, but that's me-every detail must be done right and at an exact time and be perfect! So you can see where my worry is when Ill be lying in a bed for 2 weeks not able to lift ANYTHING!
This decision did not come easy. I thought why am I having the healthy breast cut off, why not the bad one? Why am I doing this at all? Who knows what time will tell and if I will get Breast Cancer or, or, or..... You can drive yourself crazy with all the questions, why, when, what ,if ,or, etc.. I have. This has been on my mind for a year-it has consumed my every thought, action, life! I make my own deodorant, face cream, organic, gluten free, ask my kids-don't use that cancer stick(deodorant). Advocate-we need to do it for our families! So I researched what I have and only 0.04% women have these radial scars. 6 out of 15,000 women have them. Very rare in any women under 40 years old. They increase your chances of breast cancer 150-200% greater then the average women. That's huge-how can I ignore something that was in my body that is so rare and just sit back and wait for something to happen? I am a worry wart. My doctor-whom I love dearly has told me, if I don't have the mastectomy its an MRI every 6 months and a breast biopsy every 1-3 years for the REST OF MY LIFE!!! That's a long, long time and I feel a lot of worry. Every 6 months for the rest of my life I have to wait for the dreaded results-did they come back clean? Are they bad-since I generally think the worst anyway? I don't know if I could do that my whole life-Its like Id be waiting for Cancer to come. Is that a lump I feel, I feel tired, I wonder what's wrong with me? I think it would be a terrible way to live! The radial scars are so rare- no one really knows what the right answer is, that's why they do so much follow up. I can tell you if your in your early 30's and your tissue is already changing its probably not a good sign. I have read a few blogs about women who have had these taken out and been done with it. I don't think I am one of those women. I don't want in 5 or even 10 years year's down the road have breast cancer when they knew I was at an increased risk. And go threw what these women endure-chemo, radiation, I've seen a few of my friends go threw it and I don't want to mess with it. Bless there hearts-truly! You are brave strong women! If someone would have told you 10 years ago or even 20 years ago you would have breast cancer would have had them taken off? I think of my aunt who passed away 3 years ago-bless her heart Aunt Deb I miss you tons-I was talking to my Uncle Dave last week on the phone about it, If she would have been told in her 30's she'd have cancer would she have done something about it- and the answer is always YES! So I have to keep telling myself this-it is for the best. It doesn't take away the mourning, or the pain, worry, anxieties, or that my family might starve and live in a dirty house for a while, but I made a choice-I love my 4 kiddos so very much and I want to see them grow into adults and see my grand babies. I made my choice of because I know who I am: the worry wart, the fear driven women, the women that loves life, loves my kiddos, loves the man that can see past a women with no breasts, the women that God made me to be-ME!

Update...

Well I have to begin by saying the last 6 weeks have been very very hard emotionally for us in our house. And  we could not have gotten threw this with out everyones prayers. We are so ever thankful for each one, for we know God heard them. I feel so blessed to have a great church family and community and my friends that delivered meals after surgery, a pie, cards, and the visits and most of all your prayers. I believe God has us all go through things in life to change us, to make us stronger. I believe in weak times he makes us strong and gets us threw-to lean on him. I have to say there was days that I just cried and was so sad and freightened not knowing the future or outcome and days where I rejoiced because I know I am in Gods arms and his plan. A mix of emotions for sure.  One of my favorite verses And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. See I went threw this because God as a purpose for me-I just cant wait to find out what... I also discovered during this journey the amazing things that we put in our bodys make a huge impact. The foods, the pills, our lotions, shampoos-everything. Its amazing what they do to our bodies- and not for the good. My poor family is enduring our new lifestyle-with many complaints, but hey we will be healthier in the end. My life has forever been changed and awakened by this experience. But for the best. So with thanksgiving we will rejoice that they got all the bad tissue and all pathology reports came back good!!! We all danced when we got the call and celebrated last night! I am still sore, bruised and swollen but managed to get out of the house today(to get grocerys-these snow days with 4 boys are killing my cupboards)and am not sure that was a smart thing since it made me more sore, but hey I need a reason to shower-right? I go for my post op appt tomorrow morning, so hoping for good things there. I seriously could not have gone threw this and with such great news with out you and your prayers to our almighty and wonderful God. We all have been singing- our God is so great- so big and so mighty theres nothing our God can not do- with you!  And man are those words true.. So any updates that come up I will post and will keep you in the loop, but again and cant say it enough THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all the prayers and support! We love you all and are so grateful and thankful God put you in our lives!!!!

Surgery date set

So I will be having surgery on Thursday in the afternoon. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers Thursday and the few days after. We will post the results when we know. Thank you for the support already given. It's so great to know we have all of you praying, it gives us great comfort. The last few days have been very rough and emotional. For the unknown is not easy for me. Please also pray for my recovery. When I had the biopsy the 26th, it still hurts, getting better, but sore yet. So fast recovery to take care of the 6 of us would be so appreciated. Thank you all for everything. We are so blessed that God gave us a great church family and community to live in and be supported by and prayed for. We love you all and a big thanks to all!!!

Update from todays Dr. Appt

I want to start out and thank you all for your emails, prayers, and support. You all are like a huge family and my support team. I thank God for each one of you and your love.
We meet with Dr. today. I really do love her, shes so gentle and caring. We found out I have a radial scar/star. People usually over 60 get them. 6 out of every 15,000 people are diagnosed with them. 15% are cancer and as Mike says and Dr. Hoberman 85% are not. Which I even told her and most of you that know my health history is that unfortunatley I am always that 1 in a million literaly. With my pregnancys with this weird tumor bone disease, Literally its always me-bad genes I guess. You can tell probably that Im so optimistic. Not really! So please pray for me in that area of being positive through this and that Gods will will be done. So we are waiting for the surgery dept to call for our surgery date for a lumpectomy-hopefully sooner then later. So we can find out and start sleeping at night. And we will go from there on the results. We should hear in about 24-48 hours for the results to come in after surgery. So I will keep you all posted. I want to say again thanks so much for the support and please keep up the prayers.
Love you all!

Disappointing News on the home front

It all started a while ago when I was doing my breast exam and found 2 lumps. Called my doctor and got refered to a breast doctor, Dr. Hoberman. She was fantastic when I met her and the first time I met her, her and her nurse prayed for me-so sweet!!! Anyways they couldnt do a MRI because I was pregnant so I went in every trimester to check on the lumps. Delivered Melina and had a mammogram when Melina was 3 weeks old-they found the dense spot and would like an MRI, but you cant do one until your done breast feeding for 3 months. We talked about pros and cons and I decided to continue to nurse Melina. Well I stopped in September and MRI was schedueled for Dec. We had it done at Holland hospital and the Dr. said 48-72 hours for results. Unfortunatley the phone rang not even 24 hours later and said we have some bad news we found one lump that doesnt look good. Were sending you to Betty Ford Wednesday the 26th for a biopsy. We were there all day between ultrasounds, MRI's, mammograms and Biopsys. Told the same thing 48-72 hours the doctor should call. Well the next day they called- have some not so good news they said. The doctor just signed off on the report and sent it to Dr. Hoberman. It needs to come out. All of the biopsys came back not good and Dr. Hoberman will be calling you soon. Well her office did call and we meet with her Tuesday. Day to day right now its touchy-one hour were fine the next we all cry together. Both sides of my family have dealt or passed away from breast cancer so right now were just a little scared. We wonder obviously Im having a lumpectomy, but how much will they take since all the biopsy's came back bad? Mastectomy? Chemo? Radiation? Our minds are racing. So please be with my family and I as we deal with something that we have no control over and pray for miracles. Weve seen them with Melina so Im hoping for another one. I know God is in control, and Im glad I have faith in knowing that. I could'nt imagine going through life struggles not knowing him. So please keep us in your prayers! We love you all...And will keep you posted.